From Darkness to Light
By Riley W.
woman climbs the stairs from darkness to light by photobank kiev from Getty Images Created in Canva
*This was created for a narrative essay.
Author’s note: This is my testimony from a unique point of view. This essay is close to my heart; it's my testimony of how I came to the Lord. It's a raw, rough, deep look at how I was really feeling and the doubts I was having. I hope that whoever reads this can learn from my mistakes.
Everything is dark. Nothing makes sense anymore. Crying is the only thing that feels right anymore. I cry and cry, but for no good reason. I want to be happy. I need to be happy. If I feel happy, then that void will finally be filled. Being a Christian puts a restriction on being happy. I am just supposed to accept the fact that being a Christian means I must go through “trials” that hurt, when if I were just a person of the world, life would be so much better. No more trials, just doing whatever I please.
I have officially decided I don’t want to do this whole church thing anymore. I thought that I gave my life to Jesus years ago, and the Bible teaches once saved always saved so I thought to myself, “so if I died today, would I go to heaven or not? I really don’t know” for a split second, I was worried if I was going to end up in hell. Then I decided that I don’t care if I go to hell; it honestly doesn't scare me. Living life as a Christian feels like hell anyway so how much worse could it get?
I decided that I should tell mom I’m done with the whole Church thing. “Mom I’m done with this whole going to church thing and being a Christian; it’s too hard; it’s too much work. I don’t feel like it’s worth it in the end. It’s just too hard.”
“What’s too hard about it?” Mom asks me.
With tears filling my eyes and anger once again rising, I reply, “When I do something good, and people tell ME good job, I can’t take that good job; I must give all the praise to God! I must endure trials all day every day just hoping everything is going to turn out all right! Being a person of the world, it can be about me; I don’t have to do everything with everyone else. In the world, I don’t have to come last! As a Christian, you're supposed to have your priorities be Jesus, others, and then me. I hate that; I want to be happy. I would pray and pray for God to make me happy and bring me things that would make me happy, and He never listened. Never. And I am done waiting on Him to make me happy; I can make myself happy.”
Mom didn’t look as surprised as I thought she was going to; she just looked confused. She started talking, but I couldn’t hear anything she was saying because the confusion, the anger, the resentment toward God… the darkness was swirling around in my head at such a rapid speed it drowned the rest of the world out.
I am crying while doing school, because crying is the only thing I do anymore. I feel so dehydrated because I feel like I cried every drop of water out of me.
Dad comes home from work; he walks to the doorway of the room I’m doing school in, walks down the two steps and sits at the other end of the table. He asks me if there is anything I want to talk about. The tears rolling down my face intensify. We talk and we talk, and I cry and cry. I tell him everything I told Mom. I tell him that there are too many rules that apply to being a Christian. I tell him that there is way too much required of a Christian and that I am done with it. He tells me that he will respect the fact that I don’t want to be a Christian anymore and that he will be praying for me. The fact that no one was trying to force me back into being a Christian and the fact that no one seemed to really care that much irked me all the more.
The following day I decided I should probably tell my 2 closest friends my new decision. I texted them both, and all they kept saying to me was, “I’m sorry, Riley,” over and over. They told me they would be praying for me. I really couldn’t care less that they would be praying for me. I found out that both of my friends cried when I told them I was quitting Christianity. One of them even said he felt physically sick at the thought of me leaving Christianity. And for some reason I didn’t feel bad about it at all. My brain was telling me I should feel bad for making them cry, but everything else in me didn’t feel an ounce of compassion.
I was sitting in the recliner chair, and I mentioned to mom that I was in the mood for a chocolate shake. Never in the past have, when I said that I’m in the mood for something, my parents just gone and bought it. So, when my dad went to the front door a half hour later and came in with a chocolate shake. Wow, me rejecting Christianity got me a chocolate shake; this must have been the right choice.
The following day I was crying while I was doing my schoolwork because still crying is the only thing I ever wanted to do but still for no reason. When mom came to me and asked if I wanted to play three-way cribbage with her and dad. I had a feeling something was off because mom hated three-way cribbage. But no, she just played happily. It was so weird everyone was being nice to me. My friends were talking to me more; my parents were being nicer to me than any time before.
It was Monday evening and mom yelled for me. She said that if I didn’t have a change of heart, there was going to be an intervention with Pastor Nick. I told her flat out. “Might as well schedule that intervention with Nick because I don’t plan on changing my ways anytime soon.”
I wanted to tell her that since quitting God, I felt better, that I felt freer. But that was a lie I kept trying to tell myself was true. In all honesty, other than the fact that everyone was being nice to me, I feel more and more confused, and my brain doesn’t make any sense anymore; it’s just a constant tornado of confusion, hurt, darkness, sadness, and the feeling of being lost but with nowhere to go.
After 2 more nights of crying myself to sleep, it was time for the “intervention” With Pastor Nick and Meagan. Dad told me he wouldn’t sit in there with me because he knew if he sat in there, I would make him do all the talking. Mom sat in the room but behind me so I couldn’t look to her for her to help.
I sat down on the couch across from Meagan and Pastor Nick and started my rant. My brain wasn’t fully comprehending what I was saying; I was too angry. I went on and on about how by not being a Christian, my life is going to be easier, and I’ll finally be happy. Then a question that has always been in the back of my mind about God slipped. “Why God? Why is He the being that deserves all the praise and to be worshiped why Him?”
Pastor Nick began talking, saying, “From what I heard today from you, you are a self-centered, blasphemous, entitled brat.” I wanted to get up right then and scream at him how dare you call me that?" I held my tongue and sat quietly while he continued. “You are so selfish; all you care about is yourself. You don’t care about anyone else in the world except you. You think that you are entitled to happiness when you have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. You think that just because you prayed for happiness, God is going to give it to you. You ask, ‘why God?’” His voice gets louder and more intense. “‘Why?’ You ask?” Why? He is the one who created you. He is the creator of the universe and everything in it and you ask why. You act as if you are entitled to be created.” He continues, “Riley, you don’t deserve anything; you need to die to self; you need to understand that Jesus dying on the cross isn’t something you deserve in any way, shape, or form. By the grace of God, you are even offered a second chance.”
The reality of what Pastor Nick was saying was setting in. How could I have ever doubted that God shouldn’t be the one to be worshiped? It’s pretty dang obvious. But that still doesn’t answer why God never answered my prayers.
I ask still through tears, “Why didn’t He answer my prayers? I prayed with faith. I knew He could give me happiness but why didn’t He? And do you think that if I died right now, I would go to heaven? Because I thought I was saved. If you had asked me 6 months ago, I would have thought I was going to heaven; I would have told you yes, because I knew I was saved. How could I get here to where I am now if I was saved? I honestly don’t know where I would go, to heaven or hell, right now if I died.”
Pastor Nick began to speak. ” To answer your first question, it’s because you were praying to God like you were entitled to Him giving you happiness. He isn’t going to answer someone who thinks they are entitled to an answer. He will answer the one who knows that they don’t deserve anything. I don’t know if you actually gave your life to Jesus the last time. I think you have grown up in a Christian household and you were unintentionally playing church. You were doing all the things: going to church, praying, reading your bible etc. But I don’t think you ever fully understood that you had to make a personal commitment with the Lord. That you don’t deserve the grace God has given you.” He looks at my face and says, “I know you’re thinking, what if this time I accidentally play church again?” I know that's exactly what you're thinking.” And he was right; I thought I was saved last time, so what if this time I do it all wrong again? “Listen to me, Riley, you are never going to feel happy with the world. Trying to find happiness in the world is like drinking saltwater. The first sip is really tasty so you take another sip, but your thirst will never be quenched because it is salty, so you keep drinking and drinking and eventually you wither away because it never actually quenched your thirst but for a second.” He sits forward on the couch and looks me dead in the eyes. “Riley, you must make a choice; you have hit a crossroads. Are you going to surrender your life to Jesus? Or are you going to surrender yourself to the world where you are going to wither away?”
Then there was silence. My brain was going in circles at what felt like 100 mph with all this latest information. I could feel my flesh trying to tell me that Pastor Nick is wrong. I knew it was Satan trying to fight for my soul. After what felt like hours of contemplating, but in reality, it was only minutes, I decided that Jesus sounded like a way better choice than the salt water. I sat up straighter and looked at Pastor Nick and said, “I chose Jesus.” He just looked at me and smiled. He said that he will pray first, then I will pray.
After I prayed and apologized to the Lord for all the things I’ve done and all the horrible things I thought and said, my mind felt calm, clear, and quiet. I told that to Pastor Nick and Meagan and he laughed. Everything felt better. On December 18th, 2024, I gave my life to Christ.
I am now able to use this testimony to help other people with their walk with Christ. I highly advise that you don’t choose the world; it leaves you feeling empty and lost, and you will never ever feel full until you accept Jesus.
This is a student submission! That means that this was a piece of work made by an NSA student submitted to the Navigator, so that we can all share in the creativity God has given humanity!